Blogging as a dying man to dying men...

I know... two in one day, but I needed to write this one down as it impacted me last week. Cancer chemo treatment waiting rooms aren't happy places. When you're in a waiting room, there are several unhappy truths of which you're acutely aware. 1. The treatment is a biohard-style poison that will be toxic to your body in the hopes that it will also kill the bad cells. In military terms, it's a nuke dropped on a populated city to destroy the enemy emplacements scattered throughout the city. 2. The odds are usually against you. I don't want to unpack that. 3. If it does work, there's a free throw's chance it will come back. From an evangelistic perspective, you'd think it'd be an ideal en

My perspective on prayer has changed a lot. I never was a huge practitioner of it, nor would I have been someone to talk about it due to a lack of understanding and experience. But God is a great Teacher, and one of the main ways He has changed that perspective is through you. People may have said to me before they were praying for me, but I didn't really base much on it. However, due to circumstances, Sara and I would be honest to tell you that when people, you awesome people, say you pray for us... we feel that statement deeply... like iron reinforcements in our bones. It comforts us to know that people are talking to God for our benefit, it helps us feel like we are on sturdier ground,

Today was a tough day. I started the day in 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul was pleading with the Lord to take away his "thorn in the flesh." I honestly say I understand that passage a little better than I ever did before... just wish I also got the revelations with it... :) God said no to Paul. Honestly, I don't want Him to say no to me. Then, it seemed like it was a day of reminders, and not many of them were kind ones. I found myself in a rut of repetitions. At work, I seemed to round every corner greeted with a reminder that my body had failed me. Failed me by sidelining my work ambitions, damaging any sense of associated accomplishment, failed me while walking the 100 yards into the b

Yesterday, I got my 2nd oil change/chemo treatment. It went well. No major issues. So far, my fatigue has been SIGNIFICANTLY less than what I experienced with round 1. That's a huge praise. Today, I was able to be up and about at times of the day interacting with the family and my beloved Mommy as she has has been with us during the last week to help around the house and care for the kids while Sara was taking Special Girl back to college. On my previous treatment, I pretty much had to be in bed all day. I've had some nausea, but to a lesser degree than the previous treatment, and only one new symptom that was a surprise: hiccups!! I've since found out it's a common side effect of on

[Me, modeling my new look with my beautiful stylist...] Hair has always been a funny thing for me. Funny in the sense that it's always been too important to me. Back in High School when the football team wanted to shave their heads to look tough in pics, I wouldn't. When I was a cadet at the Air Force Academy, our squadron wanted to all get flat-tops for a group bonding thing: (we were squadron 15, and they wanted to be "Flat Top 15"). I was lame and wouldn't do it. It's hard to know why. Maybe I saw my dad's head, and knowing the inevitable, I wanted to cherish natural noggin growth as long as I could. Maybe it's because I liked how it looked or liked having something to fidget with

So, I'm now part of the collective. On Thursday, I had my port installed. Affectionately, my Borg implant. For those of you who aren't familiar, think USB for the circulatory system... a quick access port for medicine and other uses. At this point, I have to give a nod to a friend of mine who isn't afraid to crack timely jokes regarding the port. He said to me: "hey make sure that thing doesn't get wifi... you don't want to get hacked." Funny CJ. It was tougher in some ways than I thought it would be, but God once again showed His grace in a way that made it easier. It was tougher, to be honest, emotionally tough. I was fine until I got to hospital, but once I arrived, I became acute

Today was a harder day than some previous ones. Later in the day, I started getting more pain. Like I've said in previous posts, I'm a wuss about pain. I easily get discouraged. As a result, when I got home from work, I was pretty discouraged and started thinking more about death than life. It's a painful mental cycle where I can get absorbed in jealousy, anger and irritability. However, God's grace came in a neat way today... true to His pattern of matching grace with the pains of the trial. I was doing a quick Bible time with my Sweet Pea on Romans 12:9-21. Since the life lessons of Romans 12-16 are built on the truth of the Gospel in Romans 1-11, we went line by line on why the com

Hello, as a result from talking to people in person, I've realized that this blog hasn't had a good summary of the whole treatment plan and the direction we're going with treatment. There are only bits and pieces here and there, and it's not very clear. I hope to fix that with a quick update here. Apologies if you've been looking for that detail, and it hasn't been available. My prognosis is a neuro-endocrine tumor in the colon that has spread to the liver, Stage 4. Originally, we didn't get a good prognosis or pathology report from the first place we went, and it was pointing us in a different direction. Thankfully, we got a good 2nd and 3rd opinion between Vanderbilt and MD Anderson th

To say my brother and I don't always agree is one of those epic understatements in life. If there is a spectrum on politics, worldview, etc, we always seem to find ourselves on the extreme opposite ends. It's generated some... conflict in the past. :) I had a coworker once say it's times of stress and ultimate challenges that reveal who a person is. This sickness has happened to me, and my brother, once again, as he has done so many times in the past, showed his best to help protect me as loving brother. As a result of his tremendous love and care he and his family has shown this last weekend, I'd like to publicly repent of any animosity I've ever held against him. Here's why: when this

Looking back at yesterday's blog entry, I feel it was a little off balance. I hoped to tie together the truth with the connection of God's ultimate promise, but there is certainly more to that promise and its effects on our current lives I feel I should add. Late last night, I kept thinking of the old chorus: "Victory in Jesus". I guess if I were to try to round out yesterday's post I should include that the promise provided in Christ brings collateral impact to every part of life, even if the control we'd like to have or certain expectations we think we should have are taken away. There is a greater joy in delighting in what is really promised in life than all the other things we long f

I promise this post won't be all about my wife this time... though I could write much more on her... but this post starts with her. When God gave me Sara as my wife, I couldn't believe the measure of blessing. To get to be married to a woman of such surpassing beauty and love for the Lord was unique. I've yet to meet a woman who compares in any category. As a result, I've always had an eager expectation that if I was given such an amazing wife, there must be some purpose we were to pursue together. I know... an arrogant expectation... As God laid on our hearts the many children and how He continued to bless us with pay increases to cover their needs and provide healthy child after health