What I See-Mother's Day 2021
Last night before I went to bed I told Dave, "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow." He kindly sat on the bed next to me and asked, "Why not? What are you feeling about tomorrow?" He gave me a safe place to be honest and open about my thoughts and feelings about Mother's Day. There is this always-present, although always-changing, feeling of grief mixed with gratefulness. Ever since Matt passed away, the daddy to my kids, Mother's Day has changed for me. It has changed for my kids too. For me, it is a day to treasure the moments I get with them. It is a day to remember that Matt and I became parents together and that he isn't here to finish that job out with us all. It is a day to remember how I longed to be a mother to each and every one of these sweet kids. (although 1 is missing from this picture). When I get a picture taken of all of us I find myself counting their faces and wondering how I got the privilege of being their mother. I have 8 kids!?!! They are and have been a blessing to love, shepherd towards Christ, pray over, cry about, make memories with and care for in every way. So many questions challenge my heart when I look at their faces. How do I raise kids who have their eyes fixed on the One who hold all things together....even us? Are they getting what they need? Are they having moments of healing? Are they seeing God in their lives? Are they making wise choices? Are they aware of how much I long for them to be well in their souls?
I was in a better place this morning in my feelings. I woke up to a sign in my bedroom telling me to "Not leave the room until it was OK with everyone". :) I had breakfast brought to me (thanks for the homemade sweet potato hash browns, Leah) along with a 7 smiling faces with a large homemade card and bouquet of flowers with a balloon.
Dave (this wonderful man I've been married to for 21 months) walked in silently behind them all. He knew my heart was aching last night. His prayers were appreciated and his gentleness in the background and support to my kids in showing me love and patience was not overlooked today. I received the Mother's Day card and gifts with gratitude. It was a battle today to not focus on being sad or to daydream about the "what if this" or "that". Riding to church, I asked the Lord for His strength, for a perspective He wanted me to have today, and for a comfort that could be felt. Dave reached over and held my hand...which is a big task of sorts considering he was driving the big beast of a 12 passenger van! :) In that moment, the Lord reminded me of what a gift I have sitting right here beside me and in every seat behind me. (Plus one more in Mississippi)
We played worship music in the car on the way to church and it reminded me of truths I needed to hear. I slowly thanked the Lord for Mother's Day, for becoming a mother, for time on this earth with Matt and for time on this earth now with Dave. He leads me to lean on Jesus, to be present with my kids, he invests time and energy into me and to my kids. Dave is a treasure. One I know without a doubt the Lord gave to me. And to my kids. So for Mother's Day, I see the treasures I've experienced, the ones I am experiencing and I am confident the Lord wanted me to see that He is my greatest and most valuable treasure. The only One that can never be taken away. His Love endures forever!