Stepping back and moving forward...
As I gazed out the airplane window, at least 10,000 feet below, I saw a blanket of smokey, gray clouds under me. Through the thick, dark clouds I could see in the distance tiny lights on homes, and other buildings. I was on my way to Colorado! Ready for some rest, quietness, refreshment and remembering.
We need to take time to remember. It brings gratefulness, healing and growth to our souls. It is hard to remember some times in the all encompassing mist of doing, doing, doing! I get small moments of rest and renewal but I am excited for this extended time away.
Those distant lights below me are like the memories I have of my life with Matt. They are clouded. Some are big and bright, clustered together and some are far apart, small and dim. Many are blurry like the window I can scarcely see through from the smears of a previous window seat passenger. As the plane rose higher and the distance between those lights and I grew further apart so the the distance between my "Matt and I memories" and my now grows apart. That is difficult to embrace. Still. Some days I want to throw a fit, like the child behind me on the plane that is kicking and screaming that he is not happy.
I remember at the beginning of this grief journey that I didn't want to sign up for that I could not possibly imagine what my life would look like if Matt was not here. I didn't want to imagine it but our minds go there when we are facing trials. I wanted him to beat cancer. I wanted to keep my husband here with me. I wanted our kids to have their Daddy here to sing the birthday song to them. I wanted to sit on those rocking chairs on our front porch someday when we grew old together. I remember--the more I look back.
I remember even as this plane takes me forward. I remember God's constant presence and solid care over me and our kids. I remember the peace that passes all understanding that only He gives. I remember even as life moves forward.
I look out the window again and see no clouds. I have a clear view of those lights down below!
And I ask God for a clearing...of the clouds....in these few days away from doing...to help my heart rest, my mind be renewed and my soul to remember.