Even under the threat of mortality, I can make too much of myself.
If you've been reading the blog from the beginning, you know one of my main goals was not to charge God with any wrongdoing. Over the last couple months, it seems I've added to that goal ... and thanks to a few brothers today, I've been reminded that some goals need to be tempered by God's grace.
I got a call from a long-time friend tonight. This is a friend I knew at the AF Academy, and we had the blessing of getting married around the same time, starting a family, spending too much time at Wal-Mart (inside joke), etc. He knows me well. Tonight, I shared with him that I wanted to be faithful as a witness to Christ's goodness and His grace as an example to others. Like a good brother, he challenged me with a good word. He challenged me that there is a danger in setting myself up for too high a standard. It's OK to want to witness, but it's also dangerous in essence to be something I cannot attain perfectly. He then shared that all we can do is to face each challenge one at a time. He had a good illustration, but it was personal, and I'll leave that to him and his family.
After talking to him, I realized in my heart I was trying to be something I can't... I can't be Superman ... I can't be invulnerable.
It also helps that I crossed paths with another brother I hadn't seen in years, and he also encouraged me to essentially rest in God's unwavering love for us and not rest in our wavering love for Him. I think God was trying to make sure I caught the point. :)
These are good words on a day when I spent some time researching my medical condition in order to get education and try to be prepared for the future. Like most good intentions, my desire to be aware ended in fears of the possibilities of the future. Just one of the fears was that my children's last memories of me would be me deteriorating mentally and me screaming obscenities at my wife or them. Sounds ridiculous... as all ill-timed fears are... but it is something I feared today.
Jesus says don't worry about tomorrow. I was worrying about farther off than that.
I encourage you if you're struggling with tomorrow, go find someone who loves you enough to tell you if you're worried about tomorrow or next year, you'll lose your mind.
Today, I'm thankful for the brothers God sent my way to remind me of what I am.
I am not Superman. I am saved by One Who is vastly greater. May whatever comes of my life serve to exalt His Name.