So, I'm now part of the collective. On Thursday, I had my port installed. Affectionately, my Borg implant. For those of you who aren't familiar, think USB for the circulatory system... a quick access port for medicine and other uses. At this point, I have to give a nod to a friend of mine who isn't afraid to crack timely jokes regarding the port. He said to me: "hey make sure that thing doesn't get wifi... you don't want to get hacked." Funny CJ.
It was tougher in some ways than I thought it would be, but God once again showed His grace in a way that made it easier.
It was tougher, to be honest, emotionally tough. I was fine until I got to hospital, but once I arrived, I became acutely aware of my vulnerability. It was tough. I have to admit... a few times my visual lubrication system started over producing. Thank goodness I had my wife there with me. She's so strong and compassionate. Just one more way she is beautiful. The feeling didn't get any better for a long time... since we ended up being there ... a ... long ... time. One of the surgical rooms "went down"... maybe it was hacked... anyway. Major backup, and our 30 min wait turned into 3 hours. 3 hours to contemplate my vulnerability and the opportunity to hear 3 different times the risks of the "procedure", what it will be like to have a widget under my skin with a tube that empties just above my heart and all the risks of infection... even if they're "small risks." Then, there was the older gentlemen who sat next to me who was experiencing one of the infection/reactions "that almost never happen." In addition, I sat by the in/out door, getting a front-line view of depravity's assembly line of people getting procedures cycling in and out. Sucked.
He stepped in again to teach me something and expose the real problem. What was my problem? I had taken my eyes off Him... even if for a morning. In my fear, Sara and I reached out to Abba, and He reminded me that being overly concerned about self is a dark and destructive path He never intended for us to walk. He also reminded me of Matthew 6:25-34. My limited mind wanted to say "but that's about food, clothing and the basics of life..." However, He was quick to remind me that His care is about everything: even installing quick-access ports in your chest and the greater context.
Don't worry He says. And such it is. "Fear not..." the most frequent command in the Bible. I try to think of what it would be like to be completely free of fear. Adam and Eve knew it for a while, and as the first in a long line to follow, they accepted the opportunity to deviate from God's plan... ironically... to make us better. Yah, we're better alright... as they say in the 90s -- NOT!!
God's been saying all along: I need to keep my eyes on Him. I took them off, and it took me 3 hours to realize I had fixed my gaze indirectly (contra Prov 4:25).
Hey, uh, if you're reading this, just don't. Don't fix your gaze anywhere else -- even of you're going through Hell on earth. Fix your gaze on Him, He will make a level path, follow it and don't swerve. Prov 4:25-27. His way is perfect. Resistance to that truth... is futile.